N/B: I really like this one.
I. the boys who narrate your horoscopes to you
he insisted on reading me my future,
all twenty paragraphs of it,
over the phone.
‘don’t take things too personally,’
the stars said. ‘let go of your past.’
‘find a quiet place to rest.’
YES, I thought; CURLING UP IN DARK SPACES
BENEATH THE EARTH TO
CONTINUE ETERNAL SLEEP
SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA.
II. self-care is important for any working girl
Relaxing ideas for a Friday night in:
a) rejuvenate yourself in a DISUSED ABODE
WHERE THE EONS THEMSELVES
HAVE FORGOTTEN YOUR NAME.
(I enjoy taking time off to
WALLOW IN ECTOPLASM AS MUCH
AS ANY ELDRITCH ENTITY)
all these men asking you
out for coffee when
what they really want
is ESOTERIC KNOWLEDGE
WITH WHICH TO COERCE
all these men blowing up my whatsapp
at unholy hours when all I want to
do is LANGUISH UNDER SEALS WRIT
IN FORGOTTEN TONGUES.
IV. does garlic work on vampire-hunters?
he said, come over to my house.
we can watch a movie, he said.
even if vampiric lore dictates that
you have to invite the undead over
your thresholds for them to cross
nobody ever talks about when
the undead don’t actually want
to hang out with you.
V. [craigslist: personals]
It is not okay to contact this poster
with unsolicited services or offers.
Not like the other girls. Am
AN ANCIENT UNDEAD BEING OF
INDETERMINATE ORIGIN and
actually have standards. REQUIRE
FREQUENT SACRIFICES OF FLESH AND
A MORE-THAN-PEDESTRIAN KNOWLEDGE
OF THE LESSER KEY OF SOLOMON.
Fun-loving and predisposed to crowds with
high levels of POSITIVE ENERGY TO
LEECH OFF ON. Easy-going and loves
trying new things but HAS LIVED FOR
MILLENIA AND AM NOT EASY
Budding demonologists and strict vegetarians
need not apply.
VI. dating tips for humanoid worm-like horrors
vaguely I wonder if EMITTING A
DISEMBODIED HOWL AND ESCAPING
TO THE NTH DIMENSION is an acceptable way
to ditch bad dates.
if you change your mind
about having sex with him you can
EXTRUDE TENTACLES OUT OF VARIOUS
ORIFICES. REPLACE YOUR EYES
WITH GAPING HOLES OF
(if you find it difficult to say no there
are always lots of other options.)
VII. self-care: part two
never let a little weight gain
bring you down. I myself FLICKER
CONTINUOUSLY BETWEEN FLESH AND SPIRIT
and maintain a SERENE AND PRIMAL
EXISTENCE THAT IS BOTH UNSEEN
if all else fails,
REFUSE TO DEAL WITH SURFACE PEOPLE
AND THREATEN THE MALIGNANCE OF
YOUR WRATHFUL VENGEANCE. TRY TO
ERASE ALL OBSCURE LORE DETAILING
YOUR FORMLESS SHAPE. BEG HIGH-
LEVEL OCCULTISTS TO BETTER CONCEAL
YOUR NAMELESS HORRORS UNDER THE
OCEANS THIS TIME.
VIII. the call of cthulhu
demons must get so annoyed;
the methods to summon them are
written in thick yellowing volumes
of arcane rituals
but so is my phone number.